What's Your Sign?

Kenya is a nation, and like most nations, republics, and confederacies (fan-based nations excluded) it is chock-full of nationly tidbits and national what-nots. National bird: the lilac breasted roller. National anthem: Ee Mungu Nguvu Yetu (Oh God of All Creation). National flower: Taifa brand sifted maize meal. But no national treasure is more fascinating, more enigmatic, or, frankly, easier to blog about than the national automobile: the Matatu. Poorly understood by those outside of Kenya, the most common misconception surrounding these rolling games of twister is that each one is the same as the next. In fact, each matatu, tuk tuk, pikipiki and bodaboda is a unique entity, with its own personality, quirks, and habits. So how is the common, lay commuter supposed to be able to know the flavor of their chariot before they enter? Well, apart from the wild color schemes and lavish neon lighting, each vehicle, like a Spanish galleon setting out on the high seas, bears a unique epithet distinguishing it from the rest of the fleet. Sometimes written using old English lettering, sometimes written using old English grammar, here are a few monikers you might spot traversing Kenya's motorways:

Game of Chance - Not the words you want to see on a vehicle you are about to entrust your safety to.

Tripple M - Yes, that's 'triple' spelled with two "P"'s. This name is not so much humorous as it is flat out confusing. Try as I might, I can't think of any triumvirate of "M" related anything that would be witty or significant enough to brand in semipermanent decal lettering across anything. My best guess is that the monster mash is somehow involved.

Street Credibility - I'm pretty sure that anywhere street cred is important, referring to it as 'street credibility' is an instant way to lose it.

Jesus Loves (written in blood) - Take that Satan. You're not the only one who can write your name in sanguinous body fluids and look cool.

Peace Corps - Finally, some props.

Dangerous - See "Game of Chance".

Addicted - "Sure I'll get in, but would you mind walking in a straight line first?"

Say No 2 Drugs - Would you please talk to 'Addicted'?

Big Machine. Permitted to Kill - I might be more intimidated by this if I weren't big enough to physically overturn the tuk tuk it was printed on without spilling a glass of water.

Xtreme Grace - Other than conjuring up the mental image of a tutu clad ballerina slamming a Mountain Dew while jumping a pink, flower patterned skateboard over a serene meadow filled with the most adorable man eating puppies you can possibly imagine while a string orchestral arrangement of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida floats in the air, I'm not quite sure how to react to such an overpoweringly gentle name.

Oh Yes 2 - Sounds promising, but what happened to the first "Oh Yes"...?

Da Promise - Not to sure what this one is referring to, but you can be certain there's a Bears fan behind the wheel.

Karl Malone - No joke here, Kenyans just really respect and admire Karl Malone.

Desire - The latest matatu from Calvin Klein.

Grand Hustler - Better make sure you get some sort of written agreement on the fare before hopping into this one.

Pole Pole Kenya Project group (translation: Slow Kenya Project Group) - Got a Deadline? Well...then...you probably shouldn't outsource any of your work to these guys.

And my favorite...

Slow - Ok, granted the rest of the name was scratched off, it doesn't exactly instill a lot of confidence...I think I'll just walk.