I'd Buy That For A Shilling

'Tis the season for shopping as they say, and what better way to celebrate the season than with a holiday special blog post related to the subject. I know what you're thinking. Lorenzo? Shopping? No way! But as frugal and minimalistic of a lifestyle as I try to lead every so often the time comes when even I find myself requiring some purchasable item. Shopping in Kenya is truly an experience unlike that found in the retail empire from which I came. There are no large product displays, no holiday decorations, and the notion of a “Black Friday” sounds just plain racist. So seeing as I've been making more lists than old white beard lately I thought I would give my faithful following around the world a brief run down of a few of places here in Kenya to get your shop on.

Dukas – The Kenyan equivalent of the 7/11, these old west style boutiques serve as the primary outlets for life's everyday sundries. All merchandise is stored securely behind the counter and is shielded from wandering, sticky-fingered appendages by a 2 meter long barrier of security wire that can only be circumvented by taking a moderately-sized step to the side and and then reaching around. Should the item you seek be out of stock, be it flour, shark fin, or time-travel grade plutonium, the maverick behind the counter will adamantly reassure you that they just ran out and will be fully stocked with sought after prize tomorrow, whether or not they have ever heard or seen the requested article.

Market – Picture in your mind walking through a crowded outdoor swap meet, the sun bearing down on you as you navigate through alternating stretches of powdery moon dust and mud-laden quagmires. Tight clusters of vendors' stalls, appearing to have been hastily constructed the night before leaning unstably against one another, line the river of foot traffic before you. Some arranged into well-planned rows, others placed haphazardly with no apparent regard given to the surrounding architectural layout, these lumber kiosks peddle buckets, wooden spoons, designer second hand clothes, and other practical effects. Manners only get you so far as schools of people force their way against one another through passages that were never intended to allow space for more than a single person at a time. Impromptu entrepreneurs litter the walkway, thoughtfully stacking their random merchandise on makeshift tarps hemmed together from patches of food aid sacks clearly reading “Corn Meal – Not For Sale”, funneling the already overcrowded stream of prospective customers tighter into a web littered with opportunistic, undercover, self-deputized pocket inspectors. Majestic mountain ranges of cabbage cast shadow over seasonal heaps of mangoes, oranges, and avocados as rows of Kenyan women compete against one another to move identical inventories of uniformly priced produce. DVD copies of yet to be released theatrical blockbusters. “Genuine” Blackberry phones, brand new and complete with box. There are deals to be had and gems to be unearthed in the nooks and crannies of this commercial wilderness, and if you're lucky, the person parting with your treasure may actually let you walk away with it for a fair price.

Hawkers – You don't find them, they find you. Sunglasses, socks, charcoalized bones (a.k.a. Snake rocks), flowers, glue, woman's shoes, apples and plums (the “exotic” fruits), puppies, toys, handmade crafts, a framed holographic drawing of a migrating giraffe, whatever you need they assume they've got it (for healthily marked up prices), and it's their job to stand in front of you until you realize it. Employing a wide variety of hard sell marketing pitches such as displaying their entire inventory to the customer at point blank range, pointing emphatically at their selection while touting it less than a foot away from the prospective buyer, and (for those tough sells) pointing and saying the name of said commodities while holding them at a distance close enough to the shopper's face that they could subtly take a bite, these stone faced trinket brokers can be found patrolling Kenya's bus stations, medians, and pretty much any place there is even a remote possibility of crossing paths with a tourist.

Fundis – One part Bob Vila, one part Han Solo, these freelance artisans are the only reason anything does (or doesn't) get done in rural Kenya. Armed with a hammer and a certificate of completion qualifying them to perform any variety of specialized craftsmanship from building a wooden chair to wiring electrical circuits for NASA satellites, these rogue handymen are ready and willing to take any job, though completing said job is another story.

Hardware stores – Getting started on that do-it-yourself project? You'll find everything you need at one of Kenya's numerous hardware outlets...assuming “everything” is limited to 1/2” piping, 2”X4”'s, and corrugated sheet metal. Variety is as tough to find as toilet paper at a highway truck stop and the only advice you'll get from the knowledgeable experts behind the counter when dealing with anything even slightly out of the ordinary is to throw everything away and start over or to “buy a new one”. Caulk. Rubber washers. Dry wall. You'll have more luck finding a parachute woven from unicorn tails and frog tears than most of these taken-for-granted fix-er-up ingredients. The lack of variety can be a blessing when shopping on behalf of your fundi as even the most detailed schematic can simply be labeled as “screw”, “hinge”, and “grass”.

The Superstore (a.k.a. America) – Step out of rural Africa and into America's retail heartland as you pass through the sliding glass doors and into what is collectively accepted to be Kenya's premier shopping experience. These X-Mart style emporiums serve as the glorified spending ground for the upper echelons of Kenyan society. Flowered pot holders. Plush comforter sets. Cheese. These monuments of hedonism are capable of satisfying most lavish materials desires, however the absence of mounted swinging fish, chia-coated animal sculptures, and plug-in deodorizers show that this country still has a long way to go in terms of development.