So you’ve decided to send yours truly a piece of honest to goodness 100% USDA approved organic certified fan mail? While I certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from taking on such a noble act as any and all letters I receive while in Kenya will be deeply cherished and very much appreciated*, there are a few steps that you can take to optimize the probability of your handwritten well wishes reaching my hands as intended:
• Number all letters and envelopes as letters may arrive out of order. This also helps postal workers opening the envelopes and reading the letters to remember which letter corresponds to which envelope, thus minimizing the chances of mix-ups upon resealing.
• Be sure to write “Air Mail” or “Par Avion” on envelopes/packages. Letters not marked as such will likely be delivered using some sort of underwater postal service run by sea witches and mermaids who are notorious for commandeering letters and other top world artifacts to add to their “collections”. Also the ink runs everywhere.
• Letters and packages may take up to 12 weeks to reach me so please plan content accordingly. Puppies, ice cream, hot soup, and winning lottery tickets redeemable within the next 30 days, while appreciated for their thought content, may not convey the same warm fuzzy feeling intended by the sender when I receive them in Kenya.
• Anything other than letters and postcards should be sent in bubble wrapped envelope mailers (be sure to wrap dishes and other delicate items in an extra sheet of newspaper). Boxes are opened more frequently and are less likely to reach me.
• The Peace Corps allows for duty-free entry of packages for the first 90 days of service, after which I will be required to pay a duty to receive any packages. Please do not declare a value greater than US$15 as I may be able to afford the duty to receive such a package, and I would hate for any piece of fan mail to go unopened. Consider also writing religious messages on your package as customs officials are reported to be less likely to open packages they believe to be religiously based.
• Do not send anything valuable or irreplaceable and do not write anything you would not mind having someone other than yours truly read. While uncommon, scattered reports of improperly sealed boxed and envelopes opening spontaneously causing valuable contents to spill unnoticeably into the pockets of unassuming and unsuspecting third party bystanders who were totally “just minding their own business” have been reported. Fortunately, preliminary studies suggest that declaring the contents of a package to be items of low value (e.g. toilet paper, pogs, the copy of that Sha Na Na CD that you tried to burn on those CDRs that you got 100 for $3 which only plays the first 12 seconds of Duke of Earl before it cuts out, etc.) may actually help to increase the bonding strength of package sealing materials thus helping to prevent any unfortunate loss of content.
If you have read these instructions and you still wish to send me a piece of genuine old fashioned printed on parchment with 100% soy based ink for the purpose of being made into a history channel voiceover after we’re both famous letter then I will happily look forward to receiving it. Please do not be upset if responses are late in coming or simply never arrive as sending times are slow and one or both of our letters may have been lost in transportation. Your messages are always very much appreciated and I look forward to hearing about new developments in your lives just as I hope you enjoy hearing about those in my own.
*Not applicable to bills/catalogs/pre-approved credit card applications.
